Either/Or a child's thought?

In first Corinthians Paul speaks about love. Paul says without love one would have nothing regardless of other variables, he says that love is always believing and hoping and that love never fails. The end is the part is the most cryptic:

"11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." 

I always loved the wording of this verse, in every translation it sounds every bit as cryptic and deep as the last. I can only imagine the original wording was even better. While some people argue that the bible is old and mistranslated and full of human fault and is far from the words of any deity, had these words been written anywhere by anyone it would cause me to pause. This is the kind of stuff that has kept the world reading the faithful and secular alike. It's important to note that I began my train of thought else where. I've posted a lot of stuff by Soren Kierkegaard, its not that hes all I read but most of what I read has little life application. I read a lot, not lately but I read at least 4-5 books a month. Most philosophy is interesting and fun to read but lacks sustenance, philosophy like many of its patrons is beautiful but empty(but beautiful). I was working on a project and I had a pretty complicated system going and the thought came to me that NONE OF IT MATTERED! The whole super complicated system, none of it was useful. I would never use the algorithm for anything outside this and I could have achieved the same thing with a much simpler approach(but not as effectively). As with most things for me the level of application is as follows: first lessons are applied to life in abstract, then relationships, then experiments and finally practical application. I'm told most people are the other way but that's is another one of those things that's insignificant. Anyway back to my thinking about how little things mattered. The thing that had me caught was the incomprehensibly complex number of variables that would decide whether what I did had any affect on anything at all. Frozen with fear that I would waste the next few moments, being that i was afraid with fear I wasted the next few moments in fear of wasting them. I realized that to truly have a large impact you would have to do something incredible, even people we consider great don't truly have much of a lasting impact. If I cured a terrible disease and saved thousands of lives what would i have truly accomplished? Saving lives so they can live? It almost seems petty, being alive is hardly important. People stop being alive all the time, its no trouble to the world at large. It is felt by those who are close, if I was to lose certain people it would cause a great emptiness inside me but my greater impact would be the same. If I am truly to take an honest christian view of the world then Its clear that all is an illusion. If the god of Abraham is a just and benevolent master with compassion then it seems to me that all entities possessing souls will have ample life to decide to choose god or ample time to deny him, each life will be filled with enough love to see past hate, enough hate to doubt love, enough joy to color the melancholy, music to demonstrate beauty with its fleeting lure(for music only exists when it is heard) and so forth with all the things that are required for input into the great mathematical equation guised as life. If these things are so then all technology, all medicine, all war, all peace, all countries, all ideology, all great works of art and all such things along with anything I could hope to earn through talent or good fortune. It's almost a joke, life is ironic and satirical. Regardless of effort the equation remains the same, its math effort multiplied by life and it results in nothing. Effort is the motor for the ship but without a course it does no good. I sat and thought of these things for a bit, the words of my favorite writer came to me and somehow made renewed sense. Like the moment when that concept you always knew suddenly became real. 

"No, not one shall be forgotten who was great in the world. But each was great in 

his own way, and each in proportion to the greatness of that which he loved. For he 

who loved himself became great by himself, and he who loved other men became great 

by his selfless devotion, but he who loved God became greater than all. Everyone shall 

be remembered, but each became great in proportion to his expectation. One became 

great by expecting the possible, another by expecting the eternal, but he who expected 

the impossible became greater than all. Everyone shall be remembered, but each was 

great in proportion to the greatness of that with which he strove. For he who strove 

with the world became great by overcoming the world, and he who strove with himself 

became great by overcoming himself, but he who strove with God became greater than 

all. So there was strife in the world, man against man, one against a thousand, but he 

who strove with God was greater than all. So there was strife upon earth: there was 

one who overcame all by his power, and there was one who overcame God by his 

impotence. There was one who relied upon himself and gained all, there was one who 

secure in his strength sacrificed all, but he who believed God was greater than all. There 

was one who was great by reason of his power, and one who was great by reason of his 

wisdom, and one who was great by reason of his hope, and one who was great by 

reason of his love; but Abraham was greater than all, great by reason of his power 

whose strength is impotence, great by reason of his wisdom whose secret is foolishness, 

great by reason of his hope whose form is madness, great by reason of the love which 

is hatred of oneself.

By faith Abraham went out from the land of his faith"

 I'm pretty sure if you know me you've heard this at some point because it is my most favorite herd of words iv'e read yet. I think possibly the reason I keep returning to these words is because theres something to learn here? but more importantly the reason I keep talking about these things is because deep down there's a certain order to these words im trying to find. Orual meaning to set charges against the gods in till we have faces, thinks of what the fox would say after finding her statement to be her answer as well "Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art of joy of words." Orual thinks the gods will only answer when we speak in this manner and I think there is some truth to that in our world(same?) as well.  To find what I love most in this world, to truly know it is what I love is perhaps the underlying cause of all this thought. What I learn from Soren is this: what I love will decide my greatness. Its something that is observable, people who love music become famous musicians and people who love other things the same but each is limited to the greatness of what they love. It seems self evident but its both complicated and simple. In the end both those who choose god on the right and those who choose another master on the left will look back and see that at the end of it all, only choices concerning love mattered. 

" Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

to add my own comment to these words:

Love was the only variable I could change

(I type these posts typically in one sitting so if you notice a large amount of grammatical errors i apologize and will probably procrastinate and never correct) 

The artist

The artist says to the critic

“Throw into the pot your own soul before you judge me”

But the critic replies 

“From each according to his ability, to each according to his need”

For the critic has no soul to lend the soup.

Consequentialism versus Teleology

            When making decisions it’s only natural to think of the outcome of an action, prediction after all is one of the big things that make us superior to lesser creatures. If someone was to justify their actions by claiming the ends justify the means we would associate them with others who have used this argument to justify terrible acts against humanity. The question is however do the ends justify the means? Abraham heard God tell him to kill his son and since killing is by most accounts wrong Abraham had to justify his actions somehow, for Abraham the end result did more than justify the means it suspended ethics entirely. If God was the ultimate good then as far as Abraham was concerned anything God asked for was good regardless of how Abraham felt about it.      Let’s explore the difference between Consequentialism and teleology. Consequentialism is the thought that even immoral acts can be justified by desirable outcomes, Teleology however differs in that the nature of something will intrinsically move towards a definite end rather than having the end characteristics of an act forced upon it by human will. A consequentialist would say killing this man to serve the greater good is justified because someone (them) find the end result to be good but a teleologist would say that killing is wrong because committing an immoral act will lead to an immoral end. Teleology is all about making actions with the end result in mind the difference however is that the actions leading to the end are just as important.       Abraham is a bit of a paradox, since killing is wrong and he was about to kill his son he was about to commit something immoral because of something God told him, Here he is very close to the consequientialist however Abraham believes following God is good and that in following God he can commit no wrong, for Abraham killing his son must be good because God commanded it so when he was about to sacrifice his son he was at heart doing what he saw as right. The only thing that can tip the scales in either direction is God or the existence of him, Had Abraham come this close to killing his son because of some delusional voice he would be a consequientialist but if God does exist and is the ultimate good than his rationale is correct and he falls under Teleology.  

(This is kind of an unfinished post because I really didn't feel like finishing it with mid terms but also kind of felt like it should be posted for some reason.)

What a week.

       I am in a strange mood this week I’ve been reading some pretty heavy books, I’ve had some big decisions to make and it’s hard to focus on school when your sister runs away from home. The most stressful thing of all has been the isolation of living in stem, without a car of my own and being an hour drive from any happenings I’m beginning to experience the loneliness I felt growing up here as a child. Terrible terrible loneliness with only breaks to remind you how lost you are. Really it’s amazing no one seems to suffer from abandonment issues when they leave. Did I mention my sister ran away from home? That was pretty crazy. I had the car reserved for tomorrow and was going to get out a bit but nope not now, might need the car to pick her up from who knows where. Am I mad at her? Yes totally, she didn't just get mad and run away. She planned this, how far ahead? Who knows? I’m sure deep down she’s hurting but her stated reasons for running are claims that her parents are too strict? Too strict has under gone some serious changes, in the past it was a term belonging to parents who suffocated their children in ridiculous rules now apparently according to Abby it applies to parents who won’t let their daughter hang out with twenty year old men and get drunk. I am concerned for her safety, I'm VERY concerned but still frustrated with her. Sigh… going to be a hard week.

King of an ant hill.

           I grew up in a small town of oh… two-hundred or so people, the surrounding areas were pretty much the same as well. Now in a small town you have social climbers much like in larger places, the people who are always looking to get on top of things. Only in a small town the top is not so high at all, declaring yourself ruler of my hometown (stem) is like claiming sovereignty over a dirt mount. The pride people have in their achievements could only be a testament to their overcoming personal weakness, certainly not a testament to their own ability. If it were out of a love for something they created or a love of their beginnings I could lend them some credibility but NO they are not kings of ant hills for selfish reasons. The birth of these Kings comes from the inability to follow another so that in order to be free of following another one will claim kingship of a small island and subject themselves to lesser lives, others are born leaders destined to rule great things but their courage failed and they settled for less. I cannot stand these people because the threat of becoming one of them is so high for me. The kings of stem are already beneath me, I am so over this town but there are other rulers of things far greater than stem. I am no greater than the ones whose lands stretch to the feet of hungry and hearts burned by misadventure or the ones whose kingdom is knowledge and wisdom or any of the greater rulers of this age. Standing on top a mound has the illusion of being on top of the world but when you venture out you see it was all false, all castle hills are like this each more grand than the last. There is no final destination, those greater than me are just as much at risk to become kings of ant hills as I. The temptation to reach a comfortable point and rest is so strong, all castles have their own treasures and they call us to take these with us. Burdened by what we call treasures we take weight from castle to castle till we can no longer make the next journey. I once found myself carrying so much weight and being so comfortable in my rule I nearly forgot how to find the road, but then in the dark I heard a faint whisper from a friend. Realizing my mistake I left all and fled for the road, a bit later and a few castles over I now keep a vigilant ear for the whispers from my master, as long as he calls I will follow him from castle to castle until there are no more castles to be found. 

Measuring progress

                Being me means the big picture is always in the back of your mind, a grand dream forming before oneself. This means I forget the little things so often and I’m envious of people who live in the moment at times. Like all great stories this one has a beginning, middle and an end. I like to see where I am in this story line. In a matter similar to selling a product to myself I measured myself on specifications and achievements. What I can do and what I have done seem like a good test of character but it always left me feeling short. If I’m twenty-one years old and can do these things and I've flown across the country chasing Joe black, I've learned of deep mysteries from the living champions of faith, I've served billionaires at horse races, I've fought with ant hill kings and God himself calls me a good friend why can I not afford a car? It’s not like my dreams end in simple transportation; I want to see the world changed when I’m done with it. I can do this but why not that? Always a question on my mind until I decided to look at the way I measure myself. It was cold outside sometime two years ago and I was hugging a friend goodbye when she told me how much I meant to her, that memory surfaced again later displaying something I missed. The true means of measuring one’s self is to look for meaningful impact in those around us. Like many things it’s a secret to life that’s encoded in the sacred texts: “1 Corinthians 13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”  Truly to count a life of value it must affect others in a positive way. When I look at how I affect others it keeps me from blaming my environment for short comings, it helps me to appreciate the individuality of people and it keeps me from pride without costing confidence.  I still feel so far from achieving my dreams, the arches of my dreams are so large some nights I walk through cathedrals of thought and While Day dreaming has its place of course, I itch with zeal and I work for what I think will matter. The more I have a positive impact on people however the more futile my personal attempts seem and the closer things come into reality. 

Paradoxes

             Its five o clock in the evening and I’m trying to study for midterms, I have my caffeinated beverage my music playing through my noise canceling headphones. A question comes up in the room beside me that seeps through the melodies, this is a question about trust. The details of the question aren't as important as the question itself. Regardless of how many variables you change there is still no inequality to the equation, both doubt and trusts have the same appearance. If I love this person then I should trust them but what happens when I’m wrong and they hurt themselves? Still undecided it did appear to me as a common theme in life.             Life seems to be full of impossible decisions, if choice A and B were warring factions we would be the deciding factors. Sometimes we can create our own choices, sometimes choices are made for us and sometimes choices disappear but at some point we have to choose sides in this stalemate. We choose sides by giving value to something that otherwise has a static value. We do this when we make the important choices like who to marry, what to do without lives and does God exist? I never believed in the prophesy about the “one” who will someday show up and be everything I’m expecting, without choice relationships become meaningless.  We each could pick from more than one partner and it’s the value we lend them that also gives value to the relationship. Some choices are not as dynamic by nature; I never believed that other religions (atheism) were masses of ignorance or that they did not experience faith like we do, however there either is or isn't a greater soul that binds all things. If God exists he does so independent of the values we give things.    These choices make us who we are, we are not our choices we are ourselves but choices are how we form ourselves. Sometimes we assign the wrong values and faults manifest in us, we cannot even see where we went wrong because of synthetic happiness. Synthetic happiness is where we grow more comfortable to a choice we've made in the past as time goes by, an example would be picking the wrong flavor of ice cream and thinking “well I like vanilla more than chocolate anyway”. Things get more serious when were thinking things less about ice cream and more about the people we chose to marry, where we work and God.  If we make a wrong decision that has lasting effects confusion ensues when we can’t see where we went wrong, Synthetic happiness exists to help us live with bad decisions but it also blinds us to real issues.  When making decisions we need to remember that the values we set today will affect choices we make tomorrow.              I’m going to make a decision about the question I mentioned. I’m probably going to trust this person because that’s the kind of person I am, I would rather leave myself vulnerable and believe in people than to surround myself with walls(of course Trust does not equal unquestionable faith).  I think the reason we are given such questions is because the human mind draws conclusions from comparisons. In order to choose faith there has to be doubt and an equal force in both at least before a choice is made in one or the other.